I Must Away - Written February 17, 2025 - Published April 6, 2025

I Must Away 

Written By Wanda Rodriguez

Written February 17, 2025

Published April 6, 2025

Dreams are an interesting thing.  Some you remember, some you don’t.  Some seem like complete and utter nonsense while others have nuggets of truth, just enough to make you wonder if it was your mind wrestling to resolve something or if there was a deeper meaning.   Oftentimes I wake with no or very limited recall of my dreams.  I think this has a lot to do with when I dreamt in relation to when I actually woke up.  My brain getting busy with other thoughts as soon as my eyes open can also send dream remnants into the forgotten recesses of my mind.  Few dreams were ever vivid enough to stay with me into the following day but last night’s dream was definitely a keeper.

Backing up, my husband of 30 plus years, Dave, passed in March of 2024.  Since then, I have had several dreams that circled around him but none where I could actually see him or talk to him.  The dreams always involved us trying to connect by some mode of transportation (bus, plane, car, subway, etc.) but we were always missing each other by a hair.  There was always anxiety and a strong sense of urgency surrounding our efforts to connect, it just never happened.  I often awoke remembering tidbits of the dream, coupled with feelings of extreme frustration at not having successfully connected with Dave or having made it to our unknown destination.

In last night’s dream Dave was there with me, next to me.  I could not see him with 100% clarity, but I could make out his silhouette, recognizable features and mannerisms.  I could definitely feel him close to me, the radiance of his smile, the warmth of his voice, the familiar comfort of his presence.  As in previous dreams there was an overwhelming sense of urgency, as we were hastening towards yet another unknown destination.  There was a key difference in this dream because we were together, not trying to connect.  I had no idea where we were going, I never did in any of the previous dreams either, just that time was of the essence and that we had to hustle.  We were side by side for the first time in nearly a year and Dave had ticket(s) to ride. 

We rushed frantically towards a transportation hub of some kind and here’s where things got weird (even for a dream!).  Upon setting foot on the platform, we were faced with several different transportation options all from one gate, trains straight ahead, buses to the right, etc.  I was momentarily confused and found myself drawn to the right, towards the buses.  Dave was ahead of me at this point, though I could not entirely make him out I felt confident that it was him.  He showed the person at the gate something on what looked like a phone.  I assumed it was our tickets.  They promptly radioed to a bus and said that the missing passenger was here and advised them to hold bus 121.  I heard the voice on the other end tell the other passengers to make room for one more and that they were going to have a full load. I repeatedly tried to say, “Two!  Make room for two!”  but nothing came out and I just kept pushing forward in the direction of the buses.  Anticipation mounting.  As I continued onward, I remember thinking that we would probably have to sit apart since the bus was full but at least we would be on the same ride, going to the same place, finally.  Together.

I had something in my hands, food of some sort, that I was trying to split with Dave so we would both have some on the journey, he just smiled.  It felt like I was nearing sprint speed as I tried handing him the food while he slowed to what felt like a crawl, all sense of urgency gone from his demeanor.  He was suddenly looking around and gazing longingly at everything, touching everything within his grasp, and seemingly trying to drink in all around him as I was running faster and faster, unable to slow or stop. Dave seemed to be filled with melancholia.  I thought, If I could just get to the bus then I could hold it until he made his way over.  Anxiety mounted as I could hear the buses revving and starting to pull out. I was terrified of missing our ride and of our being left behind.  One by one, as I approached, each bus pulled out and was gone without hesitation.  The last one to leave was bus number 121.  I stood there alone on the platform, completely and utterly alone.  No people, no workers, no modes of transportation whatsoever, no anyone, no anything.  Worst of all, no Dave.  I could no longer see his outline, nor could I feel his presence. It was clear now that I did not have a ticket to ride nor was this my journey to make.  Not yet anyway.

Was this my mind trying to bring closure?  Was this Dave coming to say goodbye?  My vision of him was never quite in focus but there was comfort in knowing he was with me on this journey to the transportation station, much like our journey together through life.  Was it a signal that it is time to let go and to start my own journey and to find my own train or bus to ride?  Was Dave lingering on the platform a symbol of him not wanting to let us and this world go? I know he is in heaven and at peace with God, of this I have no doubt.  But is part of him also here with us, watching over us or is that just something those left behind say to help find peace and comfort?  A way to help fill the lonely spots our loved ones leave behind when they journey on without us? What is the significance of the bus number (121)?  Am I just reading more into this dream?  Who knows?!?!  I guess all things are possible.  I have a strange, new, hollow feeling inside of me as if another piece of me (Dave) has fallen away as I say this “last goodbye”.  ***

*** The Last Goodbye, By Billy Boyd.  Billy Boyd played a hobbit in The Lord of the Rings movies, and he also sang the beautiful and heartfelt song linked below.  The Lord of the Rings was one of Dave’s favorite book series, and subsequent favorite movie series.  It was his constant go to for bedside reading or quick tv watching.  He absorbed it.  This song is stirring and beautiful and fills me with so many emotions.  If you know Dave, you will feel him in every note of this song.  If you do not know Dave, I encourage you to give this song a listen and let it fill you as needed in your own travels.  As always, thank you for sharing in my journey and for allowing me to be part of yours.