The Three I’s, Written By Wanda Rodriguez, Written on May 31, 2026, Published on June 8, 2026

The Three I’s

Written By Wanda Rodriguez

Written on May 31, 2026

Published on June 8, 2026

We all start off as somebody’s something.  Someone’s child.  Someone’s sibling.  Someone’s niece, nephew, cousin, grandchild.  Someone’s neighbor.  Someone’s friend. Some of us move on to be someone’s spouse, parent, coworker… Throughout most of our lives we move in and out of roles as someone’s something.  We typically carry these titles proudly!  Think about how you felt when someone excitedly exclaimed, Oh! You are so and so’s parent or, you are X’s best friend, sister, spouse, etc. These connections can open, and potentially close, doors.  Regardless, it becomes part of our identity.  Woven deep into the fiber of who we think we are and how we are perceived by the world.  

So, what happens when you start to feel as though you are flying solo and no longer anyone’s anything?  Loved ones pass on, kids grow up, friends are busy with their own lives and you begin to feel as though you are perpetually on the outside looking in.  This is what I call “The three I’s”: irrelevant, insignificant and invisible.  Whether this is real or simply exaggerated in your mind doesn’t matter because the feelings are genuine and those feelings can run deep.  If you perceive it to be true or if you let society perpetuate the narrative, then you allow it to become part of your identity.  

In my case, the major identifying hats I have worn included being someone’s daughter, sibling, friend, wife, parent and grandparent.   As is the case, the main identifying hat has changed over time.  The most notable change for me came with the passing of my husband, more than two years ago.  It wasn’t a fairytale where we always got along flawlessly with everything coming up peaches and cream.  But, we were always a solid, long running team.  We shared a lifetime of experiences together and we always had each other's backs (and hearts!).  We got through both good times and challenging times together.  Basically, we were “sold as a set,” where I was his and he was mine.  We had shared adventures together, adventures as a family and independent adventures with friends.  No matter what we did, we had one another to conspire with.  To plan with.  To be seen, heard and valued.  I miss that greatly.

Without Dave, I became part of a broken set with a crucial element missing.  I didn’t know how to just be me or if I even liked spending time with myself.  Alone.  I still do things with friends and family, but I no longer have that shared closeness with one person, my person.  The kind of relationship where you talk about everything under the sun, plan trips and bounce ideas off of one another.  Someone with whom you can pick up and go somewhere, anywhere, on a whim.  Of course, you can share your feelings of loneliness with others and be greeted with heartfelt compassion.  But if they have not experienced such a deep and personal loss firsthand, like the death of a spouse, it may be hard for them to fully grasp the magnitude of losing such a significant part of yourself.  Of your identity.  Nor does it solve for “X” to complete your equation as your set is forever changed.

Life changes after losing a spouse, but it goes on and you still want to do things, to travel, to see shows, to experience new things.  Maybe you desire to check off some of your bucket list items or go on journeys that the two of you had dreamt about experiencing together.  But progress is impeded.  Your children are increasingly busy with their education, relationships, work and plans as they take greater strides down their own chosen paths.  This is a good thing!  Something to rejoice about!  It signifies that maybe, just maybe, we did something right.  But it is still a loss, and it picks at the scab of loneliness left behind by your loss.  (Am I the only one who hears, “Cat’s in the Cradle" playing in their head?)  You and your friends still enjoy time together, but it doesn’t seem to come often enough as they have the audacity (ha-ha) of having their own lives, families, and commitments that don’t involve me.  So, what do you do?

You realize at some point that your identity is not truly wrapped up in being someone’s something.  You are a unique individual who has been beautifully and wonderfully hand crafted by God.  You have much to offer and much to share and “The three I’s” are nothing but bunk!  The enemy thrives on finding chasms, like those created by grief, to plant seeds of discord and self-doubt in order to perpetuate feelings of isolation.  In my experience, you need to get to know yourself again.  Spend time alone exploring your likes, your dislikes, your interests, your wants and needs, etc. Personally, I explored my creative side through painting, stained glass and creative writing.  I have also gotten more involved with my church and with encouraging groups.  I have loved going on road trips and adventures as well.  All of this has shown me that others cannot fill the void that grief has left in your soul.  You need to find the courage to walk through that valley of grief and feel all the feels.  It is not a fun journey, but it can be a journey of discovery and self-growth.  I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for all that we experience, good and bad.  Even the most difficult of experiences are designed to equip us for something down the road.  Whatever your particular valley may be, work, trust and patience in God are essential.  Time is another key element which can present as a big hurdle in our I want it NOW, generation, but I am believing that I will be stronger in the end for having walked through it.  

I have been taking steps lately to do more things by myself.  Some have been pleasant and others a little uncomfortable but all the while, I am trying to get to know myself better and find some sort of balance.  I no longer have a person to share everything with and I can’t expect others to fill that role.  That is not fair to anyone and certainly a recipe for frustration.  Lately I have been experimenting with going out alone.  Going out to eat, going to the movies, shopping, going to see concerts and I believe that God is blessing my efforts.  I’m trying to muster the courage now to plan and to embark on a solo vacation.  That’s a big obstacle for me but I am too young to abandon all of the things I would like to do.  The jury is still out, but I am rolling around the idea of a trip to Wyoming and Montana.  I will keep you posted.  

This has been a grand time for me to dig deeper into God’s word and into prayer.  I say this knowing full well that I am an extremely weak prayer warrior.  Regardless, I seek God daily, striving to make time with him a priority in my life and not just a footnote. He helps to pack the void left by grief in with love, peace and His promises.  He can do the same for you.  I encourage you to seek God in all that you do and to have a grateful heart, even in the harder seasons of your life.  Try replacing the three I’s with another set of three, the Holy Trinity; the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.  Stand firm in who you are, knowing that your true identity is in Christ and not in this world.

Isaiah 41:10 – “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” 

Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” 

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”  

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles” 

Psalm 56:3 – “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you”