Hurting the Ones We Love - Written by Wanda Rodriguez - Written on May 9, 2025 - Published on May 11, 2025

Hurting the Ones We Love

Written by Wanda Rodriguez

Written on May 9, 2025

Published on May 11, 2025

As kids, we don’t come with instruction manuals on how to be a kid and how to do everything right without hurting anyone in the process.  Likewise, when we become parents, we are not handed an instruction manual before leaving the hospital.  There’s no book on how to be a good and trusted friend, a sibling, a cousin, an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent, a niece/nephew, etc. What about when you get married?  Is there a training class to equip us for the ups and downs of spending your life with someone?  (Yes. Actually, there are classes but it was a bit of a rhetorical question.) I think you can see where I’m going with this.  Sure, there may be hundreds of self-help books on how to be a better XXX fill in the blank XXX.  But there are really no books or training that prepare us for life in its entirety.  Not really, let alone the complicated interweavings of relationships that come into play along the way.  This area can be considered grey at best.  

The way I see it, from the day we are born, we are each automatically enlisted into a sort of “bootcamp of life.”  Our drill sergeants (DS) and commanding officers (CO) may change over the years, or maybe they just change in level of authority, but we always seem to have one or more around at any given time in our lives.  

What the heck are you even talking about, Wanda?  I’m not enlisted in anything!!  Wait, just hear me out, the DS and CO that I am referring to are those who guide, protect, influence and teach us over the years.  They can be represented by, but are not limited to: parents; grandparents, siblings; other relatives; close family friends; teachers; coaches; friends; enemies; college professors; actual DS and CO; employers; supervisors; co-workers; your adult children; etc.  But guess what? They don’t have manuals either. To be honest, some really have no business trying to train others in anything when they really don’t know how to conduct themselves.  Know what I mean?  Basically, though, they are all out there doing the best they can with what they have to offer.  

The day we are born into this bootcamp, we also get a little “toolbox” that will fill up over the years with various tools and tips we have acquired over the years that help us to navigate life and all that comes with it.   Believe me, “all that comes with it” can mean so very much that I am not even going to touch it!  Here again, you can just fill in the blank!  Anyway, assume we fill up our little toolboxes as we go.  We add, toss, repurpose, update, rename, rearrange, never touch, etc. as needed over the years.  The toolbox is never completely finished being modified because we are always learning, growing and being equipped for something in this journey.  

In my opinion, most people are basically good and do their best to use, share and maintain their tools.  I know this is not always the case, but for the most part, I don’t believe people mean to hurt others, especially not those that they love.  Yet, it happens.  As careful as we might be to love and protect those special people in our lives, sometimes damage is done.  It may be caused by harsh words, actions, inactions, a difference of opinions or even just a slight difference in how things are seen that can lead to hurt feelings and possibly an impasse.  It can also be caused by a lack of clear communication that can cause a divide that, left unchecked, can become a chasm that feels insurmountable.  It can lead to defensiveness and invisible walls being erected to protect feelings, peace, and boundaries.  Oftentimes (especially if your crystal ball is on the fritz!), the other person is completely oblivious to the fact that there is a problem or that there is a lingering hurt that has festered and caused damage until it is too late.

I am writing this today to implore you to take count of your relationships and your tools.  Mend “fences” where you can and if you are unsure how to do that, ask God for wisdom and strength to help guide you.  Wield your tools carefully and update as needed.  Sometimes old ways of dealing with someone, say a child who is now an adult or a parent who is now a bit more childlike, changes and your tools need an overhaul.  In those times, don’t be afraid to learn new things and update your tools accordingly.  Be mindful when someone says to you that they are hurting.  You might not agree exactly with what they are saying but it is not wrong.  They are allowed their own feelings and perceptions, and they have their own set of tools they are working with.  Hear them, validate them, accept your part in whatever that hurt might be, and do your best to repair the damage together.  Left unchecked, a small dripping pipe can cause huge damage over time.  Similarly, a tiny cut from rusty metal, that is not properly cared for, can lead to a major health crisis.  The same can be said for relationships.  If left unresolved, unaddressed or ignored, permanent damage can be done.  Yet again, I am going to play the “fill in the blank” card here because so many things can be plugged in here, from minor tensions to never talking again.  

I have said it before and I will say it again, life is finite!  Our time here on this earth is a blink of an eye compared to the eternity before us in heaven.  But while you are here, please (preaching to the choir again!) do your very best to do your very best! (That sounds easy enough! Hah!) And if you have caused pain to someone, own it and do everything in your power (check that toolbox of yours, reach out to others to see if they have some tools you can borrow, pray for wisdom (aka tools!!!) from God, etc.) to repair the damage!  Too often, people stop being friends, disown family members or stop talking altogether.  I know that this must be done sometimes!  I get that 100%!  But when you can repair relations with those you love, please try.  Listen to them.  And know that you are not always right.  What?!?!  Yes, I am!  Nope.  Sorry.  Sometimes the “high road” is accepting the fact that you are the “bull in the china shop” or the “elephant in the room” and that’s okay.  You just need to adjust your tools in how you proceed so you don’t leave a wake of damage in your path, you adapt and find ways to tone it down and when damage is inadvertently done, make long lasting repairs asap. 

Cherish the time you have with the ones you love while you have it.  Life is too short to let bitterness, hurt feelings or misunderstandings rule the day.  Olive branches all the way!!  Extend them, and if they are smacked out of your hand, extend another and accept them when offered to you.  Sometimes hurt is caused no matter how much we love someone, and it may have been completely unintentional, but hurt was caused nonetheless.  Do not sweep it under the rug or ignore it.  With your tools at the ready, dig in and work together to fix things!  Please.  

Thank you for reading and for joining me in this journey.  -Wanda 

Bible Verses that came to mind during this writing:

John 1:5 NIV

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Proverbs 27:12 NIV

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.